Men vs. Women

Men and women are different, we know this. But with all of the books, talk shows, movies, websites and time dedicated to this very subject, it's amazing that I still have so many questions.

1. Why is it that when I offer my husband a brief sabbatical from the kids at nap time, he looks at me and says, "What should I do? Where should I go?"
If you offered any woman an hour to herself, away from her children, her spouse, the dog, etc, the only question she would ask is, "I wonder if the door is going to leave a mark when it hits me in the ass on my way out?"

2. Why, when I told my husband I was going to sacrifice my morning to sleep-in to go for a run, did he say, "Are you taking either of the kids?"
My friend Eliza called me a sucker when I relayed the conversation.
'I hadn't planned on it. Did you want me to take one of the kids?'
"Well, I thought maybe it would be something the baby would enjoy."
Right.
Too many why's to count. But mainly WHY did I say, 'Sure.'?

2a. Why do we feel so guilty when we take any time for ourselves, away from our family? Most men don't think twice about heading off to a concert with their friends, or meeting the guys out for a drink after work. They feel they've worked hard all week and are entitled to a little alone time. Hello, what about us?
The sad thing is, a lot of husbands I know, including my own, want their wives to do more things for themselves. But most of us are our own worst enemy. We wrack ourselves with guilt; play out the worst images in our minds of what will happen if we step foot out that door sans children.

I have a theory, call it conspiracy or what have you, but it's the only logical explanation. When each of us delivers our baby, they install an intrauterine guilt chip (IGC). We're so completely spent after labor that we don't even notice. The IGC goes off whenever we have the slightest thought of doing something for ourself, wracking us with gut wrenching guilt, thereby altering our decision, forcing us back into selflessness. It's some man-medical profession conspiracy that I promise to crack once my kids are in school full time. Don't worry, in the meantime I've alerted Gloria Steinem.